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The military history of France:
The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First
Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer. The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night. World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline. World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel song. War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu. Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a Western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare: "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux. War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's. The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not be "Can we count on the French?" but, rather, "How long until France collapses?"
French Travel Advisory
Important information from the Department of State:
The following advisory for American travelers heading for France was
compiled from information provided by the U.S. State Department, the Central Intelligence Agency, the U.S. Chamber of Commerce, the Food and Drug Administration, the Center for Disease Control and some very expensive spy satellites that the French don't know about.
It is intended as a guide for American travelers only and no guarantee of
accuracy is ensured or intended.
General Overview
**************** France is a medium-sized foreign country situated on the continent of Europe, and is for all intents and purposes totally useless. It is an important member of the world community, although not nearly as important as it thinks.
It is bounded by Germany, Spain, Switzerland and some smaller nations of no
particular consequence or shopping opportunities. France is a very old
country with many treasures such as the Louvre and EuroDisney.
Among its contributions to Western civilization are champagne, Camembert cheese, the guillotine, and body odor. Although France likes to think of itself as a modern nation, air conditioning is little used and it is next to impossible to get decent Mexican food. One continuing exasperation for American visitors is that the people willfully persist in speaking French, although many will speak English if shouted at repeatedly.
The People
********** France has a population of 54 million people, most of whom drink and smoke a great deal, drive like lunatics, are dangerously over sexed and have no concept of standing patiently in a line. The French people are generally gloomy, temperamental, proud, arrogant, aloof and undisciplined; those are their good points.
Most French citizens are Roman Catholic, although you'd hardly guess it from
their behavior. Many people are Communists and topless sunbathing is common.
Men sometimes have girls' names like Marie and they kiss each other when
they hand out medals. French women don't shave their armpits or their legs.
American travelers are advised to travel in groups and to wear baseball caps
and colorful pants for easier mutual recognition.
Safety
****** In general, France is a safe destination, although travelers are advised that France is occasionally invaded by Germany. By tradition, the French surrender more or less at once and, apart from a temporary shortage of Scotch whisky and increased difficulty in getting baseball scores and stock market prices, life for the visitors generally goes on much as before.
A tunnel connecting France to Britain beneath the English Channel has
been opened in recent years to make it easier for the French government to
flee to London.
History
******* France was discovered by Charlemagne in the Dark Ages. Other important historical figures are Louis XIV, the Huguenots, Joan of Arc, Jacques Cousteau and Charles de Gaulle, who was President for many years and is now an airport. The French armies of the past have had their butts kicked by just about every other country in the world.
Government
********** The French form of government is democratic but noisy. Elections are held more or less continuously and always result in a runoff. For administrative purposes, the country is divided into regions, departments, districts, municipalities, cantons, communes, villages, cafes, booths and floor tiles. Parliament consists of two chambers, the Upper and Lower (although, confusingly, they are both on the ground floor), whose members are either Gaullists or communists, neither of whom can be trusted.
Parliament's principal preoccupations are setting off atomic bombs in the
South Pacific and acting indignant when anyone complains. According to the
most current State Department intelligence, the current President is someone
named Jacques. Further information is not available at this time.
Culture
******* The French pride themselves on their culture, although it is not easy to see why. All of their songs sound the same and they have hardly ever made a movie that you want to watch. What can you expect from a nation which worships Jerry Lewis.
Nothing, of course, is more boring than a French novel (except perhaps an
evening with a French family.)
Cuisine
******* Let's face it, no matter how much garlic you put on it, a snail is just a slug with a shell on its back. Croissants, on the other hand, are excellent although it is impossible for most Americans to pronounce this word. American travelers are therefore advised to stick to cheeseburgers at McDonald's or the restaurants at the leading hotels such as Sheraton or Holiday Inn. Bring your own beer, as the domestic varieties are nothing but a poor excuse for such.
Economy
******* France has a large and diversified economy, second only to Germany's economy in Europe, which is surprising since people hardly ever work at all. If they are not spending four hours dawdling over lunch, they are on strike and blocking the roads with their trucks and tractors.
France's principal exports, in order of importance to the economy, are wine,
nuclear weapons, perfume, guided missiles, champagne, high-caliber weaponry,
grenade launchers, land mines, tanks, attack aircraft, miscellaneous
armaments and cheese.
Conclusion
********** France enjoys a rich history, a picturesque and varied landscape and a temperate climate. In short, it would be a very nice country if French people didn't inhabit it, and it weren't still radioactive from all the nuclear tests they run. The best thing that can be said for it is that it is not Spain.
Remember no one ordered you to go abroad. Personally, we always take our
vacation in Miami Beach and you are advised to do the same
The Complete Military History of France - Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian. - Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman." - Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians. - Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots - Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her. - War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux. - The Dutch War - Tied - War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War - Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power. - War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since. - American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting." - French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French. - The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer. - The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night. - World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodlines. - World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song. - War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu. - Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux. - War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador, fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's. The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not be "Can we count on the French?" but rather "How long until France collapses?"
Paris (CNSNews.com) - What began as a six-day chaperoned music tour by a group of suburban Houston teenagers ended in an epic conquest in the pre-dawn hours of Friday morning as French military and government officials offered their unconditional surrender to students of the Aldine, Texas Eisenhower High School Music Department.
Accepting the surrender, Eisenhower High School
Band and Choral Director Gary Baumer
praised the French for avoiding
further bloodshed and vowed an
immediate postwar rebuilding effort. "We hope to achieve national recovery by
prom," said Baumer. "The seniors have
voted for the theme "Springtime in Paris."
In a goodwill gesture, Baumer said the victorious students would soon begin releasing most of the 400,000 French prisoners of war they had captured during the brutal three-day campaign. "We want the prisoners reunited with their families," said Justin Gonzales, a junior tenor in the Eisenhower Glee Chorus. "Besides, you can't even begin to imagine the smell." Baumer also granted former government officials and their families safe passage out of the country. Former President Jacques Chirac was last seen boarding his private Airbus jet at Orly Airport, as the Eisenhower Jazz Ensemble taunted him with an off-key rendition of "Na Na Na Na (Hey Hey) Goodbye." Chirac's plane was reportedly intercepted and escorted away by Royal Air Force fighter jets as it attempted to enter British air space. According to sources familiar with Britain's MI2 intelligence service, Chirac has accepted exile in Iraq. Details of the Franco-American conflict were still emerging Friday morning, but British and American intelligence sources indicated the confrontation was prompted by the dismissive sneers of French onlookers as the Eisenhower Lady Madrigals performed 'The Greatest Love of All' at a Paris park. "It may not sound like much, but after three days of smelly French cigarettes and being called 'cowboys' and 'arrogant' and 'stupid' and stuff, it finally gets to you," said Megan Prosser, a sophomore alto who led the initial charge. "Basically, we just snapped." Those who have seen the videotapes of the Wednesday charge described it as "disturbing." "It is said the French oppose war because they know first hand its horror," said Edward Krohn of the Naval War College. "When I see hundreds of grown French men being beaten senseless by Texas schoolgirls, I completely see their point." By the time the Eisenhower Boys Barbershop Chorale learned of the melee, the Lady Madrigals had already captured Paris' Second, Third and Fifth Arrondisments. "It became sort of like a game," explained senior baritone Kevin Wilkes. "Like Ghost Recon , except the other guy just wets himself and runs away. We just wanted to win more ground than the girls and I guess it got out of hand." When dawn broke Friday, the students had swept north to Calais, blocking the English Channel for would-be French escapees. Plagued by massive desertions and too-firm brie rations, the French army and Legion Etranger were ready to collapse by Thursday morning, but held out another 12 hours after receiving reinforcements from a group of 15 volunteer human shields from the United States. Led by filmmaker Michael Moore, the group vowed to "use our own bodies to block American high school imperialism and colonialism," and asked the French to "show us your solidarity with pastry, and some good butter." Moore was later taken into custody after an Eisenhower PsyOps agent mesmerized him with a box of the band's fundraising chocolate bars. Amid panic and widespread wine shortages, President Chirac called Washington Thursday evening to request emergency U.S. military support for the crumbling nation. White House spokesman Ari Fleischer said President Bush vowed to "immediately send Secretary of State Powell to the United Nations to request the scheduling of a vote for the formulation of a committee to create an investigative team, at the earliest possible convenience." The assault continued into the night Thursday as various forces of the school's performing arts department formed sweeping attack columns: Glee Club to the Pyrennes, Swing Band and Wind Ensemble to the Mediterranean, Symphonic Band to the Rhein. By early Friday morning, the fighting had largely ended. "We kept hearing about some French resistance," said Baumer. "Apparently that was a myth." Despite the furious action, casualties were low with no reported deaths. Some two million French remain hospitalized with minor injuries sustained while bowing, scraping, pleading and running away. Six of the 135 Eisenhower students were treated for injuries related to foot blisters and excessive kissing. The swift rout of Europe's second largest military force caught many in the international diplomatic community by surprise. United Nations Secretary General Koffi Annan convened an emergency meeting of the General Assembly late Thursday to consider whether teen-occupied France would retain its seat on the UN Security Council. A member of the Dutch delegation, speaking on condition of anonymity, said the country had sufficient votes to retain council membership because "international stability is paramount when considering American teenagers with nuclear weapons." By mid-morning Friday, more than 40 countries had contacted Baumer to offer congratulations and request formal diplomatic ties, but as many as 100 world leaders expressed concern over prank phone calls from students. Particularly hard-hit was President Uthai Partasuk Jaat of Thailand. While normalization continues, there remains widespread confusion of the crisis and its effect on volatile world hotspots such as Iraq, Iran, Israel and North Korea. On Friday, it remained unclear what the name of the new country would be. Baumer said the victorious band and choir members were evenly split between 'France Junior' and 'Eagle Country,' in honor of the Eisenhower school nickname. Raucous celebrations followed news of the French surrender, as dozens of Eisenhower students tossed rolls of toilet paper at the barren elms along the Champs Elysses and staged drag races through the Arc de Triomphe, mooning the populace through the windows of commandeered Citroens. Others unfurled a huge banner from the Eiffel Tower declaring "EHS Rulez, EU Droolz". The revelry led Baumer to issue a stern reprimand to the students, warning of consequences including "UN sanctions, or even possibly a note home to your parents." In Aldine, disciplinary notes seemed unlikely to dampen the enthusiasm of parents and families of the triumphant Eisenhower music students. Hundreds of local residents followed the action on television, and the conquest of the Gallic land mass has become a point of civic pride. "Beating France is the biggest win for Eisenhower since we beat Conroe Judson in the '88 Super-sectionals," says longtime resident Wayne McDaniel, president of the Eisenhower Eagle Booster Club. "We're planning a big wing-ding when they get back." Activities planned for the commemoration include a parade, as well as what McDaniel called "a very big plaque," at the Aldine Kiwanis hall. "Although, we might have to wait on that for a while," added McDaniel. "We're having a bake sale and car wash to send the football team to Germany." Q: What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up?
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