If you don't understand the Democrats' version of tax cuts (and you are not alone), this will explain it for you.
50,000 people go to a baseball game, but the game was rained out. A refund was then due. The team was about to mail refunds when the Congressional Democrats stopped them and decreed that they send out refund amounts based on the Democrat National Committee's interpretation of fairness. After all,if the refunds were made based on the price each person paid for the tickets, most of the money would go to the wealthiest ticket holders. That would be unconscionable!
	The DNC plan says People in the $10 seats will get back $15, because they have less money to spend. Call it an "Earned" Income Ticket Credit. Persons "earn" it by demonstrating little ambition, few skills and poor work habits, thus keeping them at entry-level wages.  People in the $15 seats will get back $15, because that's only fair.  People in the $25 seats will get back $1, because they already make a lot of money and don't need a refund. If they can afford a $25 ticket, then they must not be paying enough taxes.
People in the $50 luxury seats will have to pay another $50, because they have way too much to spend. The people driving by the stadium who couldn't afford to watch the game will get $10 each, even though they didn't pay anything in, because they need the most help.
	Now do you understand? If not contact Representative Richard Gephart  or Senator Tom Daschle for assistance.

Did you hear that Bill Clinton received a letter with Anthrax in it?
Don't worry...He didn't inhale.

     A beautiful blonde woman, a less attractive woman, Bill Clinton, and George Bush were all sitting on a train. The train goes into a tunnel and everything goes dark. Soon after they all hear a "slap". As the train comes out of the tunnel and the compartment is lit back up, everyone sees a red mark on Bill Clinton's cheek.
The blonde thinking to herself says, "I bet he meant to grab me and grabbed the other woman and she slapped him."
The less attractive woman thinking to herself says, "I bet he grabbed that blonde woman and she slapped him."
Bill Clinton thinking to himself says, "I bet George Bush grabbed that blonde woman and she slapped me thinking it was me."
George Bush thinking to himself says, "I can't wait to go through another tunnel so I can slap Bill Clinton again!"

 

Subject: Clinton Era Defined

After much arguing and deliberation historians this week have come up

with a phrase to describe the Clinton Era. It will be called:

Sex between the Bush's

Special Bulletin:

Celebrity Cruise

We at Carnival Cruise Lines didn't forget that a lot of entertainers had promised to leave the country if George W. Bush became President.

With that in mind, we have a special offer for those who want to keeptheir promise!

Attention:

	Alec Baldwin
	Rosie O'Donnell
	Cher
	Phil Donahue
	David Geffen
	Barbra Streisand
	Pierre Salinger

...and anyone else who made the promise, please report to Florida for the sailing of the fun ship cruise, Elation. The Florida Supreme Court will sponsor a Farewell Parade. Please pack for at least four years!

Your captain will be Bill Clinton

Cruise director will be Al Gore

Monica Lewinsky will be your recreation director

Ted Kennedy will act as lifeguard and supervise swimming instruction.

Your spiritual advisor will be the Rev. Jesse Jackson

If you have any questions about making arrangements for your homes, friends and loved ones, please direct your comments to Senator Hillary Clinton. Her village can raise your children while you're gone, and she can watch over all your money and furnishings until you return.

Bon Voyage!

 

Number of physicians in the US = 700,000

Accidental deaths caused by physicians per year = 120,000

Accidental deaths per physician = 0.171 (source: US Dept. of Health & Human Services)

 

Number of gun owners in the US = 80,000,000

Number of accidental gun deaths per year (all age groups) = 1500

Accidental deaths per gun owner = 0.0000188 (source: US Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco & Firearms)

 

Therefore, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.

 

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the Archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael, look what I've made." Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?" "It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance." "Balance?", inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing to different parts of earth, "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot.  Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people,".

God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice." The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a large land mass and said, "What's that one?" "Ah," said God. "That's Virginia, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful lakes, green fields, sunsets, and rolling hills. The people from Virginia are going to be modest, intelligent, and humorous and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace." Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance!" 

God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the idiots I'm putting next to them in Washington, D.C."

 

OBITUARY

In Mourning...

Today we mourn the passing of an old friend by the name of Common Sense.

Common Sense lived a long life but died from heart failure at the brink of the millennium. No one really knows how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. Common Sense selflessly devoted his life to service in schools, hospitals, homes, factories and offices, helping folks get jobs done without fanfare and foolishness.

For decades, petty rules, silly laws and frivolous lawsuits held no power over Common Sense. He was credited with cultivating such valued lessons as to know when to come in out of the rain, the early bird gets the worm, and life isn't always fair.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn), reliable parenting strategies (adults are in charge, not kids), and it's okay to come in second.

A veteran of the Industrial Revolution, the Great Depression, and the Technological Revolution, Common Sense survived cultural and educational trends including feminism, body piercing, whole language

and "new math." But his health declined when he became infected with the "If-it-only-helps-one-person-it's-worth-it" virus. In recent decades his waning strength proved no match for the ravages of overbearingfederal regulation.

He watched in pain as good people became ruled by self-seeking lawyers and enlightened auditors. His health rapidly deteriorated when schools endlessly implemented zero tolerance policies, reports of six year old boys charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate, a teen suspended for taking a swig of mouth- wash after lunch, and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student. It declined even further when schools had to get parental consent to administer aspirin to a student but cannot inform the parent when the female student is pregnant or wants an abortion.

Finally, Common Sense lost his will to live as Lifetime Values became contraband, churches became businesses, criminals received better treatment than victims, and federal judges stuck their noses in everything from the Boy Scouts to professional sports.

As the end neared, Common Sense drifted in and out of logic but was kept informed of developments, regarding questionable regulations for asbestos, low flow toilets, "smart" guns, the nurturing of Prohibition Laws and mandatory air bags.

Finally when told that the homeowners association restricted exterior furniture only to that which enhanced property values, he breathed his last.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by three stepbrothers: Rights, Tolerance and Whiner.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

Unknown Author

Have you heard that Tommy Thomson wants to rename HCFA and call it the Medicare and Medicaid Association (MAMA).

This would mean that some of the DC bureaucrats will be working for MAMA and the rest will still be working for Big Brother.

 

Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and Newt Gingrich all go to see the Wizard of Oz.  They get to the Emerald City and go to the Wizard's Room.   "You may each have one thing you wish for," the Wizard said.  So Newt
Gingrich wished for a brain, and he got one.  Al Gore wished for a heart, and he got one.
Bill Clinton said, "Where's Dorothy?"

Bill Clinton dies and goes to heaven, and he meets St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.  St. Peter starts to give him a tour of Heaven, and says, "Up here in Heaven, everybody has a clock, and every time you lie, it ticks."  "Well, where's my clock?" Bill Clinton said.
"It's in the cafeteria," St.Peter said.  "They use it as a fan."

Submitted by:
 Houston, 8th grade GOPFun.com fan

The White House is not just getting a new team, but a whole new language. George W. Bush will be bringing with him many friends from Texas, and for anyone not born in the Lone Star State, the Texan accent and the cowboy colloquialisms can seem a bit strange. Here is a guide to a few of the more colorful expressions they might encounter:

1. The engine's runnin' but ain't nobody driving. = Not overly-intelligent.

2. As welcome as a skunk at a lawn party (self-explanatory).

3. Tighter than bark on a tree. = Not very generous.

4. Big hat, no cattle. = All talk and no action.

5. We've howdied but we ain't shook yet. = We've made a brief acquaintance, but not been formally introduced.

6. He thinks the sun come up just to hear him crow.= He has a pretty high opinion of himself.

7. She's got tongue enough for 10 rows of teeth. = That woman can talk.

8. It's so dry the trees are bribin' the dogs. = We really could use a little rain around here.

9. Just because a chicken has wings don't mean it can fly. = Appearances can be deceptive.

10. This ain't my first rodeo. = I've been around awhile.

11. He looks like the dog's been keepin' him under the porch. = Not the most handsome of men.

12. They ate supper before they said grace. = Living in sin.

13. Time to paint your butt white and run with the antelope. = Stop arguing and do as you're told.

14. As full of wind as a corn-eating horse = Rather prone to boasting.

15. You can put your boots in the oven, but that don't make them biscuits. = You can say whatever you want about something, but that doesn't change what it is. (Slightly different than the former president's definition of  "is" statement.

10. His promise to Californians: "The electricty will be baaaaaack!"

9. He could wrestle Jesse Ventura -- winner gets the loser's state!

8. Formal state dinners held at Planet Hollywood.

7. Democratic celebrities would mysteriously start disappearing.

6. There would be a new Survivor 3, based on "The Running Man."

5. He and George W. Bush could help each other get edjumacated in speaking English.

4. His office: Muscle Beach

3. Environmentalist could be blown up with C4

2. Citizens would do hard time for flabby triceps.

1. He would have to give up his current job and start acting for a living!

One day in heaven, St. Peter notices a large crowed of people at the Perly
Gates. It turned out that they were all Clinton supporters. St. Peter rushed
over to God and said " God, God! There is a crowd of Clinton/Gore suppoters
who all want to get into heaven! What shall I do?"  God replied, "Well, I
assume that's quite a few people, so let only five or six people and the rest
will have to wait a week before they can get in." St. Peter left God's
office. Suddenly, he turned and ran back to God as fast as his wings could
carry him. "GOD! GOD!" Peter screamed. "THERE GONE! THERE GONE!"
"All of them???" answered God
Peter replied, "Not the people, the Perly Gates!"


Stacy Ruiz Age 11

Merrill Lynch is issuing three new bonds.

 The Monica which has no maturity,
the Gore which has no interest,

 the Clinton which has no principal

A man goes to the White House and asks to see President Clinton.  The Marine on duty tells the guy that Clinton isn't President, please leave.  The man goes away. The next day he comes back to the White  House and asks to see President Clinton. The marine on duty tells the guy that Clinton is not President, please go away. The man goes away. The next day he comes back again, and again the same Marine is on duty. The man asks to see President Clinton and the Marine says, -- WHY DO YOU KEEP COMING HERE ASKING FOR HIM? CLINTON IS NOT PRESIDENT ANYMORE!!!

The logical conclusion-------killers voted for Gore.

JESSE'S MEA CULPA

Due to the great consternation caused by the revelation of my act of
procreation, I accept my obligation to give an explanation to the
population for my act of copulation. 

I gave in to temptation, for the anticipation of
sexual gratification, that I could not obtain through masturbation,
resulted in my fornication.
I accepted her invitation, and provided her with excitation, stimulation,
penetration, replication, and liberation.

She provided lubrication (to
avoid inflammation) and I wore condoms to avoid
contamination. She cried for duplication but I insisted upon
termination, in spite of her fascination with variation. This has
caused me great aggravation, and the agitation and provocation of
the media has resulted in my humiliation, denigration, and degradation. My
wife is considering castration, which would require my hospitalization.
Pray that this matter will find culmination in my sanctification and
rehabilitation so that my plans for nomination to my ultimate vocation will
not result in revocation and termination.

I hope this proclamation has provided illumination and verification and
will prohibit further provocation.

Sincerely,
The Rev. Jesse Jackson

ANAGRAMOLOGY

An Anagram, as you all know, is a word or phrase made by transposing
  rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. The following are
  exceptionally clever. Someone out there either has far too much spare
  time or is deadly at Scrabble. (Wait till you see the last one!)

  George Bush: When you rearrange the letters: He bugs Gore

  Dormitory: When you rearrange the letters: Dirty Room

    Desperation: When you rearrange the letters: A Rope Ends It

  The Morse Code: When you rearrange the letters: Here Come Dots

  Slot Machines: When you rearrange the letters: Cash Lost in 'em

  Animosity: When you rearrange the letters: Is No Amity

  Mother-in-law: When you rearrange the letters: Woman Hitler

  Snooze Alarms: When you rearrange the letters: Alas! No More Z's

  A Decimal Point: When you rearrange the letters: I'm a Dot in Place

  The Earthquakes: When you rearrange the letters: That Queer Shake

  Eleven plus two: When you rearrange the letters: Twelve plus one

  And for the grand finale:

  PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA: It can be rearranged (with no letters
  left  over, and using each letter only once) into:
   TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS

 "I think.."